My friend Sarah was in town this week for a conference.
We went out for coffee, and while we stood waiting for our coconut milk latte (mine) and salted caramel hot chocolate (Sarah’s). She turned to me, “So,” she asked. “How are things with (that guy you like)?”
She already knows he rejected me awhile back and is wondering how I’m feeling about it.
How I’m feeling about being (still) single.
It’s a fair question.
This rejection was harder than most for me. I wanted it so desperately.
Dreaming of a future where we travelled and changed the world together.
A lifetime of staring into those blue-hazel eyes, laughing til our ribcages hurt, and finding creative ways to help humanity.
The problem is that this is always the question.
Only a couple weeks before I had run into an old friend from Waterloo, and one of the first questions he asked is if I was dating someone.
It’s the under current of my life.
Not wanting to be single.
People wanting me to not be single because they know I don’t want to be single.
It’s like that scene from Mean Girls:
Cady: [voice-over] I was a woman possessed. I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina. And the other 20 percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more. […] I could hear people getting bored with me. But I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit.
Except change Regina to my relationship status.
Today I’m sitting at the lunch table at work.
I’m drinking coffee out of my re-useable S’well bottle. The Cinematic album from Owl City vibrating through my headphones; pumping hope through my veins.
Thirst by Scott Harrison, the Founder & CEO of charity:water, open to where I’ve paused reading in front of me - midway through chapter 18. Scott’s in the midst of a life transformation and is currently planning a huge fundraiser for Mercy Ships.
I’m staring out the window blankly.
I’m not paying attention to what’s happening around me.
I’m way more interested in what’s happening inside me.
I think I’m over it.
I think I have way more interesting things I want to do with my life than obsess about getting some guy to like me.
Don’t get me wrong - I want to get married someday.
It’s still a dream etched in the core of my being.
Who doesn’t want to be loved and chosen?
To have a hand to hold.
And a favourite pair of eyes to gaze into for the rest of forever.
But I can hear people getting bored with me.
And maybe they’re right to be.
Maybe somewhere along the way I became the one dimensional support character with no story arc.
Maybe I’m missing some depth because the pursuit of a love I can never quite reach has consumed me.
Heck. Let’s be honest - I’m bored with myself!
It’s like hearing the same story over and over.
Like, does no one else notice this same song has been playing on repeat for the last 30 years?
The repetition is kind of soothing.
I know how this ends.
But today, staring out the window at the trees relinquishing their changing leaves to the brisk fall breeze, I’m ready for something new.
A life of let go and adventure.
I’m ready for a life where the ending isn’t one I know.
Doesn’t that seem way more interesting?
Like a Bible verse I read during church on Sunday:
Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original. (Galatians 5:25 & 26)
“We have far more interesting things to do with our lives”
I want a life worth living.
Filled to the brim with stories worth telling.
I have no doubt that someday I’ll get married.
I am brilliant, kind hearted and laugh-out-loud funny.
I am passionate and empathetic, optimistic and filled to the brim with purpose.
I am loving and lovely and worth chasing.
And one day I’ll walk into a party, or a conference, or maybe a wedding reception.
It could be coffee with an old friend, a blind date, or someone who messaged me on Instagram.
Or it could be adventuring with someone I already know, while we’re singing our hearts out, laughing till we can’t catch our breath, or almost crying while we talk about things that matter.
One day a man will finally look up and in one of those flashes between moments he will see me.
With all my facets
And I will be loved.
And in the blink of an eye everything will shift.
But until then I refuse to be boring.
I refuse to read the same chapter one more time.
I will no longer have the same conversations or let the same responses fall from my teeth.
This is my life.
And I have far more interesting things to do than be the side character with no story arc, obsessed with love.
I am brilliant and capable and in the middle of an epic story, and I refuse to live like anything less than the main character.
I don’t want to be “that girl - she’s single.”
I want to be “that girl - she’s going places. She’s changing the world.”
So when you talk to me - don’t ask me about my relationship status.
Talk to me about my passions.
About the things I’m learning.
Ask me about the plants I’ve grown.
My current dance party playlist.
The last dream I remember.
Talk to me about something a little more interesting.
Photo: Allysin Van Ysseldyk