What's he worth?
Growing up I dreamt of two things - living a life that matters and being married.
Why? I don’t know.
Was it a dream built into my heart by its creator, a dream woven into the biology of my being by evolution and chemicals and cells, or just one instructed by my culture? I don’t know. And I’m not sure it matters. Because whatever its founding it feels like it’s me. Who I am. I suppose I always assumed this meant that even in surrendering all of me to Christ that finding the (a) person to marry was inevitable - a matter of time.
Then when I was nearing my 30th year I came face to face with my deepest fear.
Today I was reading this post on the Your Other Brothers blog, and Aaron included this passage of scripture.
Renounce.
Well, that’s an extreme word isn’t it?
I pulled out my Bible to check what the two versions I generally read said,
”any of you who does not give up everything” reads the NIV.
”if you’re not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye.” In the Message.
What is dearest to me? Plans . . . people??
The study/translation notes in my translation say, “Jesus did not want a blind, naive commitment that expected only blessings. As a builder estimates costs or a king evaluates military strength, so a person must consider what Jesus expects of his followers. The cost, Jesus warns, is complete surrender to him.”
Finally I turned to a more recent translation that has become a new favourite of mine - The Passion Translation.
“Unless you surrender all to me . . . . you cannot be one of my disciples”.
And the translation notes state - pulling in the verses that follow -, “Followers of Jesus who are unwilling to pay the price are like worthless salt, unable to affect anyone or anything.”
But let’s also go back a few verses in this section, “When you follow me as my disciple, you must put aside your father, your mother, your wife, your sisters, your brothers, - yes, you will even seem as though you hate your own life. This is the price you’ll pay to be considered one of my followers.”
Wut.
This seems so anti to what I was taught Christians and church should be about.
Aren’t all supposed to be included?
Isn’t it just supposed to be as long as someone can say, “I believe Jesus existed” and BAM they’re in?
But here Jesus says that this costs you everything.
Being his follower is not a decision to be taken lightly, and not everyone is going to choose this life, because it is going to cost you something, and you must be willing to surrender it all. Dreams, loves, hopes, family, riches, meaningful momentos. Even possibly life itself.
“So don’t follow me without considering what it will cost you”
All are welcome.
But the way of Christ comes at a cost.
And Jesus himself says to consider what that cost is. To ask yourself if you’re prepared to surrender all of you and everything you love. Am I?
Am I honestly willing to count the cost?
I’m not sure.
I like to think I am, but each time I have to surrender more of my ways and wants I get faced with the question - am I ready to renounce that hope, that dream, that love to follow? Are you?
You are welcome on this path.
This narrow way.
And life itself, and love itself, and God himself is waiting for you.
But like the parable of the treasure in the field - are you ready to sell everything you have to obtain it?
As Aaron says in his article, “All followers of Christ will find themselves in nearly unbearable conflicts between flesh and spirit; this is the cost of denying ourselves and bearing the cross of Christ. … It’s what Christ forwardly states at the beginning of that passage in Luke — following Him costs everything. Our family, our friends, our jobs, the whole of our lives. … What is Christ’s value to me? He costs everything, yes, but is He worth everything?”
Aaron goes on to talk about his own journey in relationship with Christ. Of asking God if following him would cost him a particular relationship, “asking if He would still be worth following, even if it cost me my dreams. If I could never accept His saying “no” to a husband for me, then why go on asking in the first place?
I am not yet prepared to ask if I’m not ready to follow Him regardless how He answers.
If the answer is no, if I could not follow Him even into celibacy, then the problem is my faith — that Christ isn’t worth everything to me — not my sexuality.”
His story echoes so meaningfully, so painfully my own.
Growing up I dreamt of two things - living a life that matters and being married.
Why? I don’t know.
Was it a dream built into my heart by its creator, a dream woven into the biology of my being by evolution and chemicals and cells, or just one instructed by my culture? I don’t know. And I’m not sure it matters. Because whatever its founding it feels like it’s me. Who I am. I suppose I always assumed this meant that even in surrendering all of me to Christ that finding the (a) person to marry was inevitable - a matter of time.
Then when I was nearing my 30th year I came face to face with my deepest fear.
It presented its dark, overwhelming face in the vulnerability of sleep.
I began waking up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, mind racing, panic coursing through every inch of my body.
What if I never got what I wanted? What if I remain single my whole life? What if no one ever loves me enough to choose to bind themselves to me?
To those of you who marriage came easily, or perhaps whose deepest desires was something other than this - maybe this seems silly.
Ridiculous.
Maybe you’re rolling your eyes.
So what would it be for you?
Having children?
Losing a family member?
Living without the security of a job? Knowing how you’re going to afford the things you need?
A specific dream or job?
And with the help of a wonderful Christian therapist I began the hard work of asking myself, is Christ worth it?
If the cost of following him is submitting the possibility of all I’ve dreamt of my entire life.
If it’s watching the people I’ve loved love others?
If it means I never experience a romantic relationship, being chosen, sex, a first kiss.
Do I honestly believe he is still worth following?
And my answer was yes. And maybe that’s easier to say now at the beginning of my 30s when the dream of finding someone to marry still lingers hopefully in the back corners of my heart then it will be at 40 or 50 or 70. But I hope I find my answer to be yes, no matter the cost.
I hope I, like Jesus told his other disciples before me, have considered what it will cost me, and found myself willing to pay the price. Found that he truly is the treasure worth selling everything else for.
WHAT’S A DREAM THAT YOU’VE ALWAYS HAD? SOMETHING THAT FEELS LIKE YOU WERE BUILT SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS, OR THAT IT JUST ‘IS’ YOU? LET ME KNOW IN A COMMENT
"Functional" Depression
But maybe right here in the depression. In the darkness of having no hope of fixing my life for myself. Maybe in the midst of accepting I have nothing left to chase. . . . Maybe this is exactly where God finds me. In the surrendering to the lack of control, maybe God can finally bring me life.
The depression is back.
I hate it.
I hate that it creeps up on me. Never letting me know it’s coming until it’s inky black tendrils are wrapped around my soul.
When it does, suddenly I’m that girl again.
The grade 4 overweight brunette who gets made fun of at school for being smart and respectful and ugly. Funny how being smart seemed like a curse back then.
The thing that made the other kids hate me.
It made me different, and they used it to tell me that it made me not worth wanting.
Unfortunately ugly still feels like a curse.
The amount of times I’ve been told that I’m kind or generous or caring or Christ-like, but none of these things are enough for someone to choose me first.
It’s all about attraction, and whatever people find attractive - I guess I’m not it.
And so here I am - twenty years later, back to feeling like the round faced school girl with the pigtails, crying silently on the bus, looking out the window to keep my class mates from seeing.
I remember the pitying eyes of the parents waiting for their kids at the end of driveways and on street corners, sorry for me, but glad it wasn’t their kid getting off the bus with tears in their eyes.
Except I’m not 10 anymore.
I’m 31.
And when the darkness finds me again.
When it reminds me that I’m no one’s first choice. That I’m smart and kind and passionate, but none of these things are enough because I am unattractive and unwanted. The silent tears find me at my desk, or the gym, or when I’m grocery shopping.
”I’m not well,” I say, hoping they’ll assume I have the flu.
I pop in my headphones and pretend I’m listening to a really emotional podcast, or some hauntingly melancholy music.
I have become the master of hiding the pain.
Of allowing tears to stream so quietly and drying them without notice so people find themselves questioning whether I seem sad or just tired.
“Functional depression” is what my therapist calls it.
It’s been a long time since it’s been this bad.
3 years. Maybe 4.
Not that I haven’t been sad in that time.
In fact I went through some massive heart breaks, and struggled with some major anxiety.
But I always felt like there was something I can do.
That I had agency.
That if I just went back to the drawing board and came up with a better plan, I could fix my life.
If I was just kinder.
More generous.
If I volunteered more.
If I lost weight.
If I got out more.
Read more.
Tried harder.
I could change me, and if I could change me, then maybe someone would actually see me.
Maybe I would no longer be kind, but ugly.
The funny, friendzoned sidekick.
”Everything I want, but I don’t actually want you”
Maybe they could just see me.
Because if they could just actually see me, then they could choose me back.
But recently I’ve come to the end of myself.
No more drawing boards.
No more plans worth trying.
No more thoughts on how to be good enough.
Just me.
And so I feel depressed.
And the depression tells me that I am too broken to be loved.
Not whole enough to ever be wanted.
But I equally feel like I don’t have the right to be depressed.
”Come on, you can do this,” I say as I force myself out of bed in the morning.
”Just keep moving” I whisper as I park my car and have to convince myself to go through the movements of getting out.
”You got this,” deep sigh, “I’m so tired.” I admit while staring myself down in the mirror, and using the sink to brace my collapsing spine.
A deep breath and a desperate prayer to heaven when opening my office door.
Weary not in the ways sleep can fix.
And so I get coffee with friends,
And laugh loudly,
And buy flowers,
And volunteer more,
And write cards,
And remember peoples’ birthdays,
And try to let the world know that each person matters.
Because this matters, right?
Life matters, right?
I’m a Christian.
I believe deeply that every human being matters, that they are known and loved and valuable. . . .
How do I believe these things so deeply.
That we don’t earn our worth.
That we don’t have to strive to be good enough.
That I don’t need to convince the God of the Universe to be on my side, because he already chose to be there . . .
And yet today it doesn’t feel like it.
Today - at the end of all my plans.
With nothing left to try.
Nothing left to give.
Even with the deep conviction that God is with me, it feels like he has the power to set everything right, and yet he isn’t.
Why isn’t he doing anything?
The scriptures say I don’t have to be afraid because God is with me.
My mom says that being with God is our fulfilment, that his presence is enough.
It’s what we were created for. That type of deep, perfect community. That beautiful oneness. The one we spend our lives searching for in one another - it’s actually found in God.
And even here in the depths - I think that’s true.
But it’s annoying that I can’t get it by trying harder, or being better.
Relationships never seem to come that way.
They come from being chosen and trust.
How do I trust God enough to let the fact that he chose me be enough?
How do I accept his seeing me as where I find my worth?
Hard work I get . . . but knowing how to just be wanted, be chosen? That’s an experience I don’t know how to understand.
I’m out of plans.
But maybe right here in the depression. In the darkness of having no hope of fixing my life for myself. Maybe in the midst of accepting I have nothing left to chase. . . . Maybe this is exactly where God finds me. In the surrendering to the lack of control, maybe God can finally bring me life.
As Jesus once said,” You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”
Or translated differently, “What great happiness and abundant goodness is offered to you when you feel totally dependant on God! For there is no charge to enter the realm of heaven’s kingdom.
What delight comes to you when you wait upon the Lord! For you will find what you long for.”
All right God. You’re my choice. You’re all I’ve got left.
I want you to be my stop.
Please rescue your silently weeping daughter from this bus.
2018 In Review
Weight
An ongoing goal in my life is to lose weight. I have a mental finish line for where I would like to be eventually, but from day-to-day it’s putting one foot in front of the other as I slowly inch my way forward. With such a big, life changing goal it’s hard to see any change from one day to the next, or some times even one month to the next, but this year I am happy to be able to look back and see change.
In 2018 I lost exactly 15 pounds! And dropped one pant size.
This means that I’ve lost 35.6 pounds in total over the last couple years!
I’m stepping into 2019 with the hope and plan of doubling my weight loss from 2018. :)
Books
I started 2018 with the idea that I wanted to read more.
Growing up I was a voracious reader - sometimes it didn’t even matter what I was reading, the act of reading in and of itself is something I enjoyed. But over the years with the accessibility of the internet, Netflix and binge watching - as well as a little bit of college reading burn out, reading got pushed out of my life.
I didn’t set an exact goal, but I knew I wanted to read more. So, I signed up for a library card and started bringing a book to work with me to read at lunch.
I tried to keep a blend of both fiction and non-fiction, and even read a couple of autobiographies that I really enjoyed. Some that stick out to me are Martin Short’s I Must Say, and Scott Harrison’s Thirst. I also ended up discovering two fiction series that I really loved - the Heather Wells comedic murder mysteries by Meg Cabot and The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Myers - a futuristic fairytale.
In the end I managed to read 29 books in 2018, with 2 more books started but not yet completed. :)
(You can find a complete list of the books I’ve read here.
Debt
In 2018 I have successfully paid $4,862 off the principal of my student loans!
It’s so exciting to login each month and see the amount I owe go down.
I hope that in 2019 I am able to continue to pay this down, and hope to do so at a higher rate.
Events
2018 was a big year with trying new things, going on adventures and showing up for moments of big life change in the lives of my friends & family.
My Grandmother, Helga Wiedemann, passed away. Early in January of last year my grandmother was admitted into the hospital and after a routine angiogram experienced complications and passed away on January 8th.
My sister, Eve, got married on February 24th at a beautiful outdoor ceremony.
In March through a series of surprising events, I had my heart broken. It took me a long time to put the pieces together - maybe I’m still working at it - but because of this I started seeing my counsellor regularly. Seeing a counsellor has been a really, really great experience for me, and our monthly chats are something I always look forward to. Speaking with her makes me feel spacious and balanced, as if the world has more than enough for me.
It also led me to start meditating on a regular basis, take up yoga more seriously and begin reading my Bible, praying and journalling more regularly - all things that help me manage my anxiety.I participated in my first (and second!) vocal recital, and felt proud of the way my voice has grown and expanded since I started taking lessons a year and a half ago.
I photographed my 3rd wedding, and was so happy to have my sister Allysin as my second shooter.
I attended a few weddings. And I loved it! Wedding dance parties are one of the most wonderful highlights of life.
My niece, Acacia, was born.
I turned 30! And my best friends - Allysin & Brittany - planned me the most wonderful 80’s themed birthday party. It especially made me happy that all my friends came dressed to match the theme.
Went on my very first work trip with my boss Brady, and Kyle. Brady was speaking at That Church Conference in Atlanta and I was able to go along. It was so fun to get out and speak with members of our community in person. I love meeting people, connecting with them, hearing their stories.
Celebrated autumn with a chilly corn field adventure - one of my favourite days of the year.
Visited my cottage with my family for Thanksgiving and we took our family photos.
Review
As always, I’m so lucky! I have incredible, wonderful people in my life - family and friends who truly care about me and seem to enjoy my company and want the best for me. They hope for me and hold me up on the days that feel heavy. They believe in me and try to help me accomplish the goals I choose for myself, and support me in even the smallest victories.
Looking Forward
I hope 2019 is a year that feels lighter.
That in the coming year I’ll be able to see more of the things I already have in my life, and less of the things that I think are missing.
I hope 2019 holds a love story for me.
And more realized goals.
That in the next 365 days I will be proud of the way I spend my time. That I will continue to lose weight (and eat and move healthier) and read books and learn to be a more consistent, self-disciplined person.
That my faith will continue to weave itself seamlessly into every area of my life, and that the way I exchange my moments and hours and days will be intentional, and less by accident.
What is something you’re thankful for from 2018?
What is something you’re hoping for 2019?
Let me know! Leave me a comment.
Word Vomit || I Have Way More Interesting Things To Do . . .
My friend Sarah was in town this week for a conference.
We went out for coffee, and while we stood waiting for our coconut milk latte (mine) and salted caramel hot chocolate (Sarah’s). She turned to me, “So,” she asked. “How are things with (that guy you like)?”
She already knows he rejected me awhile back and is wondering how I’m feeling about it.
How I’m feeling about being (still) single.
It’s a fair question.
This rejection was harder than most for me. I wanted it so desperately.
Dreaming of a future where we travelled and changed the world together.
A lifetime of staring into those blue-hazel eyes, laughing til our ribcages hurt, and finding creative ways to help humanity.
The problem is that this is always the question.
Only a couple weeks before I had run into an old friend from Waterloo, and one of the first questions he asked is if I was dating someone.
It’s the under current of my life.
Being single.
Not wanting to be single.
People wanting me to not be single because they know I don’t want to be single.
It’s like that scene from Mean Girls:
Cady: [voice-over] I was a woman possessed. I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina. And the other 20 percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more. […] I could hear people getting bored with me. But I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit.
Except change Regina to my relationship status.
Today I’m sitting at the lunch table at work.
I’m drinking coffee out of my re-useable S’well bottle. The Cinematic album from Owl City vibrating through my headphones; pumping hope through my veins.
Thirst by Scott Harrison, the Founder & CEO of charity:water, open to where I’ve paused reading in front of me - midway through chapter 18. Scott’s in the midst of a life transformation and is currently planning a huge fundraiser for Mercy Ships.
I’m staring out the window blankly.
I’m not paying attention to what’s happening around me.
I’m way more interested in what’s happening inside me.
I think I’m over it.
I think I have way more interesting things I want to do with my life than obsess about getting some guy to like me.
Don’t get me wrong - I want to get married someday.
It’s still a dream etched in the core of my being.
Who doesn’t want to be loved and chosen?
To have a hand to hold.
And a favourite pair of eyes to gaze into for the rest of forever.
But I can hear people getting bored with me.
And maybe they’re right to be.
Maybe somewhere along the way I became the one dimensional support character with no story arc.
Maybe I’m missing some depth because the pursuit of a love I can never quite reach has consumed me.
Heck. Let’s be honest - I’m bored with myself!
It’s like hearing the same story over and over.
Predictable.
Nothing new.
Same old.
Like, does no one else notice this same song has been playing on repeat for the last 30 years?
The repetition is kind of soothing.
I know how this ends.
But today, staring out the window at the trees relinquishing their changing leaves to the brisk fall breeze, I’m ready for something new.
A life of let go and adventure.
I’m ready for a life where the ending isn’t one I know.
Doesn’t that seem way more interesting?
Like a Bible verse I read during church on Sunday:
Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original. (Galatians 5:25 & 26)
“We have far more interesting things to do with our lives”
I want a life worth living.
Filled to the brim with stories worth telling.
I have no doubt that someday I’ll get married.
I am brilliant, kind hearted and laugh-out-loud funny.
I am passionate and empathetic, optimistic and filled to the brim with purpose.
I am loving and lovely and worth chasing.
And one day I’ll walk into a party, or a conference, or maybe a wedding reception.
It could be coffee with an old friend, a blind date, or someone who messaged me on Instagram.
Or it could be adventuring with someone I already know, while we’re singing our hearts out, laughing till we can’t catch our breath, or almost crying while we talk about things that matter.
One day a man will finally look up and in one of those flashes between moments he will see me.
With all my facets
And I will be loved.
And in the blink of an eye everything will shift.
But until then I refuse to be boring.
I refuse to read the same chapter one more time.
I will no longer have the same conversations or let the same responses fall from my teeth.
This is my life.
My adventure.
And I have far more interesting things to do than be the side character with no story arc, obsessed with love.
I am brilliant and capable and in the middle of an epic story, and I refuse to live like anything less than the main character.
I don’t want to be “that girl - she’s single.”
I want to be “that girl - she’s going places. She’s changing the world.”
So when you talk to me - don’t ask me about my relationship status.
Talk to me about my passions.
About the things I’m learning.
Friends made.
Places visited.
Ask me about the plants I’ve grown.
My current dance party playlist.
The last dream I remember.
Talk to me about something a little more interesting.
Photo: Allysin Van Ysseldyk
Photo Journal | Thanksgiving || 2018
Thanksgiving this year was spent with my family at our cottage.
Growing up our cottage was completely electricity free. Most of my memories of my time spent there is of me reading - everything from Jane Eyre to comic books. When I was young we would buy Archie comic books right before cottage trips, and we’ve built up a pretty impressive collection.
Since then my parents and aunt & uncle have installed a solar panel that can be used for some basic electrical needs. But we still have to conserve energy - especially on grey weekends like Thanksgiving this year.
Everyone has their “go to” meal when they’re cooking for others. My dad’s is eggs. Look how Sunset Grill perfect the over easy eggs my dad made me were.
My mom recently repainted and decorated most of the cottage, but a lot of the pieces are classic and have been part of cottage life for years.
Something that made this Thanksgiving extra special was the fact that this was Acacia’s first Thanksgiving, and very first family holiday.
It was also Acacia’s first photoshoot. My sister Allysin was the one who took the photos, and filmed a video of the behind the scenes for her YouTube channel.
Suffice to say, Acacia is already well on her way to YouTube fame. ;)
